A couple Monday’s ago I was served with papers to appear at court concerning my younger Brother-in-laws kids. My Brother-in-law, who I don’t really get along with, and his Ex, who was enjoyable to be around but I never trusted, were never married. They lived with each other and had three beautiful blond haired and blue eyed dolls. Because the Ex left my Brother-in-law four years ago with my two nieces the kids were court ordered to be at my in-laws, where I live, for daycare. The Ex has since went back to my Brother-in-law about three times over the last three years and ended up pregnant with another child. My nephew is now three. This last year the Ex chose to move 50 miles away without communicating her plans, she even bought a new phone and ended all contacts with us a few months before she took the kids and left- one day the kids were here the next day they were gone. This place has been a home to those kids, a place of security from their own parent’s insecure worlds. Five days a week those kids were here from sunrise to sunset and sometimes after dark. They had their Papa, Nana, Uncle, Aunty, and cousins as a constant in their lives. The grandparents provided clothing and food and took care of the kids. The kids were healthy and happy here. The Ex had me served to try to prove that this place was unfit for her kids to justify what she did.
I have never been to court before but I guess I did alright. Sitting at the center of attention was a bit intimidating and having to talk into a microphone didn’t help any either. Most of you know that I have a bit of stage fright. The Ex’s lawyer did her job well. She tried to be intimidating, but to me she wasn’t intimidating at all. There’s an ex-drill sergeant at home who loves to interrogate often. I’m thankful for the practice.
Sitting on the stand I was shocked by the things the Ex was accusing the family of. It was obvious that she was grasping for straws. I now see the Ex as someone who is evil. She is someone who wants power, control, and money. She accused me of lying and I believe that she does believe this, but her facts were wrong or I just didn’t remember because she was dragging things up from so long ago- even before the kids were born. Whatever the case may be, I knew that she lied about a few things so for her to accuse me while she was doing it was hypocritical.
I was so angry by the time I was done that I sat out in the hall just mumbling. Then I started thinking about the kids. Parents going through separation often do not think about the kids. While they are fighting and bickering back and forth only thinking of themselves, wanting the power or money, they don’t see the hurt and pain the kids go through. Well, this aunt has watched her Brother-in-law’s kids and has seen a big unhealthy change in their personalities. The kids love their mom and their dad and they need both in their lives. Every family has problems- but we need to work through these problems not tare each other apart. This world is falling apart because the heart of this world resides in the family- the home. Broken families and broken homes means broken world. It’s a domino effect.
I’m going to share what I’ve learned on how an unhealthy relationship can affect everyone…
God has laid this subject on my heart some time ago but I wasn’t sure on how to go about sharing this topic. So many people are divorced, remarried, and living in an unhealthy relationship. I’m not going to give my own feelings about divorce but I’m going to share my thoughts and what the Bible says about Marriage, divorce, and such.
Genesis 2: 22-24
Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Marriage is not only a document, a piece of paper that binds two people together, marriage is a soul-tie between two people that unites them as one. This soul-tie is completely binding. Two halves become one whole.
Matthew 19: 4:6
So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.
God didn’t put these guidelines in place to harm us but to protect us. He wants what’s best for us. With these guidelines we breathe life, but when we step out of these guidelines we bring death into our lives. A marriage is a form of a promise and a verbal commitment to each other besides a signed document. God frowns on broken commitments and promises. God doesn’t give these guidelines because He wants to be cruel. These guidelines are there to protect us from pain and suffering, from bringing curses into our lives.
There was one time I was watching my brother-in-laws kids, years ago. The youngest niece, who was 3 at the time, decided to be rebellious. It was winter time and there was a fire in the wood stove. She was standing by the stove and a look came over her face that said, “I have to touch!”
I looked directly at her and barked her name. I demanded, “Don’t touch that stove, it will hurt!”
She looked at me and gave me a smug and defiant look. She pointed her finger with a smirk and quickly touched the stove. She then cried out in pain.
By human nature we become rebellious and defiant. We want to follow our emotions and give God the finger. God gives us instructions on how to live a peaceful and good life but we want to touch the fire just like my niece. We then want to blame God for our pain after we made the choice to touch the fire.
Go back to the saying, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Through the hardness of our hearts God allowed divorce. Divorce is to only occur when a spouse is unfaithful through sexual acts.
“For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the Lord of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”
God hates divorce because it causes a tearing in the soul. It brings pain, hatred, and jealousies. It causes a negativity that surrounds the whole family, especially the children. This negativity is not easily shaken off. It can torture the soul on both sides by a single act- A choice to divide. This choice can echo down from one generation to the next. Certain characteristics can be embedded into a personality that was used as a defense mechanism. This will be passed down and certain unhealthy characteristics can cause physical illnesses. This is called a generational curse. It can pass to the third and fourth generation. Don’t ever think that life is your own. Our choices affect everyone that is connected to us and our future generations.
Matthew 5: 32
But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.
I believe that God allowed divorce over sexual immorality because through a spouse being unfaithful the negativity is a lot stronger than the act of divorce itself. In this case divorce is the lesser of the two evils. Living with someone who is unfaithful can completely break the spirit. In a relationship where both spouses are unfaithful, and seem to be alright with this lifestyle, they are living outside of God’s will and will bring death through emotions or sickness in some form.
Every act outside of God’s will brings a curse. This includes sexual acts outside of marriage whether living with each other or not and much more. Furthermore, if we cause an offence we are outside of God’s will, but offences must come.
Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes!
In our world people are easily offended. I share this scripture because through divorce and separation offences come in tidal waves. I also know that living with an unfaithful spouse causes such an offense that it can bring someone to suicidal depression. It breaks my heart that marriage means so little to many. A marriage is supposed to represent the foundation of God’s perfect order. When it’s broken it isn’t of that order.
I want to look at, “Whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.” I now that there are many re-married people out there. From the first marriage a couple is united as one in a soul-tie. Even though they have made the decision to divorce the soul-tie still exists in a way. When someone marries a divorcee they are marrying someone with baggage. The past will be intertwined into this relationship. There will be competitions, unsure feelings, jealousies on all sides, and more offences. Plus, children who are involved will learn to play the parents against each other, feel forgotten, and struggle with being accepted in some form or way.
I know I sound like doomsday but not all is lost. Relationships can be put back on track. Remember the woman at the well-
John 4: 7-
A woman of Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give Me a drink.” For His disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.
Then the woman of Samaria said to Him, “How is it that You, being a Jew, ask a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?” For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.
Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.”
The woman said to Him, “Sir, You have nothing to draw with, and the well is deep. Where then do You get that living water? Are You greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well, and drank from it himself, as well as his sons and his livestock?”
Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”
The woman said to Him, “Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw.”
Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come here.”
The woman answered and said, “I have no husband.”
Jesus said to her, “You have well said, ‘I have no husband,’ for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; in that you spoke truly.”
The woman said to Him, “Sir, I perceive that You are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, and you Jews say that in Jerusalem is the place where one ought to worship.”
Jesus said to her, “Woman, believe Me, the hour is coming when you will neither on this mountain, nor in Jerusalem, worship the Father. You worship what you do not know; we know what we worship, for salvation is of the Jews. But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”
The woman said to Him, “I know that Messiah is coming” (who is called Christ). “When He comes, He will tell us all things.”
Jesus said to her, “I who speak to you am He.”
When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?”
She said, “No one, Lord.”
And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.”
Wherever you’re lives are right now you don’t have to leave the person you’re with. If you want your life and relationships to breathe life and not death then repent and ask for forgiveness for the past mistakes- go and sin no more. Pray for wisdom to bring everyone into a healthy relationship, including past relationships. Build your relationships up with positive words and actions. Become a united front for the children who are involved in broken homes. No marriage is perfect, life isn’t perfect, but we need to do our best and to be our best. We need to love and inspire.
By H.E. Olsen